I didn’t realize until not so long ago who I really was.  I can’t give you the exact reason for why I didn’t know or the exact reason for why I suddenly did.  Throughout life I was never a huge fan of myself.  I know now that it is because I didn’t know who I was so I couldn’t be in alignment with myself.

     Being out of alignment is a horrible feeling now that I know how it feels to be in alignment.  Before, I would go from situation to situation feeling so out-of-place within myself and it was EXHAUSTING!!!  Now, everything is easier, things flow more smoothly, my life is now my own, I make the decisions regarding myself and my well-being. 

     For whatever reason I thought I had to be a certain person and do certain things to gain what I thought I wanted in life.  I watched my friends attain their wants and tried to emulate their actions.  Obviously, this didn’t work, it only failed and made me feel like more of a failure.  Well, duh, I am not my friend, so of course doing exactly what they do isn’t going to work. 

     I thought to myself: ok, I am a classy girl, I will do all of the classy things.  I will get dressed up in my classy clothes and be classy.  Then I thought: wait, I like black, I like tattoos, I like a touch of goth.  Ok, I will dress goth/punk, I will dye my hair black and I will throw into everyone’s face that I don’t care.  Then I thought: ugh, I am confused, who am I?  Why can’t I fit into either of these personas.  Total internal chaos then ensued…

     I was so lost, I looked to the future and I saw nothing.  My body finally retaliated against myself.  And, I thank God for that every day.  I am not ashamed, I am not embarrassed.  I am the strongest person I know when it comes to making mistakes, but not so much in fixing them.  So, my body said that’s it, if you aren’t going to listen, I am going to do something to force you to listen.  And I did!

When one is pretending the entire body revolts.  ~Anaïs Nin

     And here I am, the new and improved me…or the me that I really am.  I realized that I am a classy lady that has been tattooed nine times.  I am the best friend that I can possibly be and will do anything to help lift my friends up, but I may do it in a shirt with a skull on it.  I wear real diamonds and a Tag Heuer watch to a Purgatory show.  I don’t have to fit into any one category, I can make my own, as long as I am in alignment with it.

     One of the biggest tools that I have learned from all of this is that if I ever feel awkward or out-of-place or just not myself, I NEED TO GET OUT OF THERE!  This is my inner being letting me know that I am not in a situation that I need to be in.  This has become so apparent to me when I am hanging out with a new friend or hanging out with a new guy that I am contemplating dating.  If I am exhausted just being with that person, well then that is the best indication that I am not meant to be associated with him or her.  It’s kind of nice now to have that internal red flag.  The other person may be wonderful, but I am just not in alignment there and being in alignment is what is going to keep me on the right path. 

     Pay attention to your inner wisdom, listen to your body…whether you know it or not, it knows you!