People spend too much time finding other people to blame, too much energy finding excuses for not being what they are capable of being, and not enough energy putting themselves on the line, growing out of the past and getting on with their lives.

~J. Michael Straczynski~

     I wish people were more honest with themselves. I think life would go a lot more smoothly for them. I think that if we were able to look within ourselves and take a minute to really look and see what makes up ourselves, we’d learn more about how to live our lives than we ever thought possible.

     I am brutally honest with myself or as brutally honest as I can be. I learn new things every time I sit back and delve into what makes me, me. I know the good things and the bad things. But, if you think about it, none of it’s ‘good’ or ‘bad’…It’s just who you are.

     I know that my heart is pure when it comes to loving people. And, I know that if I cannot give that kind of pure emotion to someone, then I need to get them out of my life. It doesn’t mean they are bad people, they just don’t bring out all that I have to offer and I don’t like to only have half-assed relationships in my life, it doesn’t make me feel good.

     I know that for a very long time I chose people to love me for me. I would find someone who was ‘obsessed’ with me because it meant that I didn’t have to pay attention to the fact that I didn’t love myself. Obviously this was so unfair to the friend or boyfriend because they weren’t really right for me and I would end up hurting them in the end.

     I know that the one and mainly only person that I lash out at is my mother. I love this woman (and my sister) more than anybody else in my entire life, so she was the last person I would ever want to hurt intentionally. I realized, or rather she and I realized by sitting and talking about it and delving deep into my being, that I do this because she has become my mirror. She is who I look at to show me who I am. It’s a very real depiction of who I am and if she asks me a question and I don’t like the answer within, then I will lash out. We’ve now realized that if I behave like that, then I need to sit down and figure out how to change the ‘answer’ so that I am in alignment with it. It sucks for her, but I’ve tried to make a deal with her. I’ve told her that I will promise to try to ease up on her, but will she please understand that she is helping me by allowing me to physically see when I am not in a good place. 

     I know that I am a good person and a fair person.  I do not judge.  I try to help people become who I think they should be.  I do not chose my friends or my boyfriends on what they look like or how they act, I chose them because of the person they are.  I let people start out at 100% and let them prove to me they aren’t worth that percentage.

     I know that I expect too much from other people. I ‘expect’ them to do something and when they don’t, I will get irrationally upset. It was my fault and not theirs. I cannot expect someone to do something that he or she may be incapable of doing. I need to either understand that if the act is something I want in my life from my counterpart I either need to explain this to him or her or I need to understand that just because I want it, doesn’t mean he or she can give it to me.

      Don’t bullshit yourself or the other person. You cannot say you are ok, but continuously let yourself be disappointed. It’s not fair to you or the other person. Once you have realized that you are unable to get what you really want from this particular person you can no longer blame him or her for not giving it to you.  It is now on you.  If you stay, then it is your decision.  If you get hurt again from the disappointment, it is your fault.  You are not allowed to blame the other person.  So, sit back and be honest, can you truly handle not having this or do you need to find the person that can actually give it to you? (Remember sometimes this is just the Universe letting you know that this person isn’t for you). 

     Anyway, I’ve kind of gotten off subject. Sometimes, or rather a lot of the times, just realizing something within yourself can open up a whole new understanding of how and why you do the things you do. Believe me, it makes living life so much easier. But, don’t just realize it. Take ownership of it, make changes so that it doesn’t create issues for you in the future. When you learn how to work with yourself, you will inevitably learn how to work with others. You will find a better understanding of yourself which will bring about a better appreciation of yourself. With a better appreciation, you will start putting yourself in better situations. Better situations will lead to a better life for yourself.

I can’t promise it will be easy, I can’t promise it will be fun, but I can promise that it will be worth it!