For anyone who has had the poor misfortune of being around me these past few months, you are well aware of the pure hell I have been living in within myself. Ok, so I’m a tad bit dramatic. But, whatever the name I use to explain, it has not been fun and what I put myself through I wouldn’t wish on even my worst enemy. Believe me, I even tried to wish it on them, but alas, I just didn’t have the heart to.

   And the absolute worst part is that there is no one to blame but myself. Don’t think I that didn’t try to put myself in a time out for that one! (Yes, I know, that was a double negative…it just sounds better that way.) No one asked me to feel this way. No one told me to continue to feel this way. I had every right and opportunity to remove myself, but I didn’t. I made the choice to stay in a place that brought me deep within this chaotic hell (there I go being dramatic again).

GUESS WHAT!!! I’m so glad I did. Well, for one thing, I know that I refuse to give up on something until I know I’ve done everything I possibly can. Unfortunately, mostly at the expense of myself, but at least I’m passionate about the things I fight for. However misguided they may be. But the real reason is that this chaos was and is a beautiful thing. Because what’s the only thing you can do to quiet chaos? Ok, well I guess you can try to ignore it. Take my word for it, it doesn’t work. And, actually, you can give away the control and put it in the hands of The Universe (God, Buddha, or whomever you pray to). This is a wonderful idea if you are actually capable of giving up complete control. Of which, I am not. Orrrrr, you can CHANGE!!! Bingo, ding ding ding, we’ve got a winner. (I SO thought about taking that line out. I’m probably going to smack my head and wish I had. )

     So, change is what I’ve decided to do and what I ultimately end up doing every time this happens. It does usually takes me a few attempts at the other options until I am left with no other choice. I was just so resistant to making a change because I kept thinking that I’ve done so much internal work in the past couple of years and I’ve changed so much for the better internally. Why do I have to do more work? Why is that not enough? Then, I realized that I go to the gym every day even though I love my body where it is. Turns out you have to keep working just to maintain and work even more to make additional gains. <insert sigh of resignation>

     So out of this chaos I am finally going to meet who I am going to spend the rest of my life with…ME!!! See, it turns out that what we desire most in our life we can actually have…um, I’m ok with that. But, you have to think a way you have never thought before. Hello!?!? Old dog here, not real thrilled with new tricks But, my sources tell me that I am still teachable.

     Apparently we have a conscious mind, the one that knows and says what our desires are and a subconscious mind, the one that actually attracts the desires. And, if you are currently not attracting what you want, well then your subconscious mind is not on board. Ugh, stupid subconscious!! Just kidding…sort of.

    I’ve always been completely cool with, and even try to push upon my friends, the advantages of seeing a therapist. No, I am not crazy! Well, there was that one time that I… Oh, and I’m pretty sure that I once…ANYWAY, moving on 🙂 I’ve been going to my therapist off and on for the past couple of years, and while I absolutely love her (yay, Belinda), I felt as though we had reached a plateau. I am eternally grateful to her for introducing me to my internal ‘parts’, but now I want answers.

     Enter Judy! She works with The Law Of Attraction. She teaches you how to create new pathways in your mind to align your conscious and subconscious mind. I know it sounds hokey, but it makes sense to me and well, that’s all that matters 😛 I figure: what’s some time out of my life if I can possibly get what I desire? And, she vehemently claims that I can.

    Oh, and what you desire can be ANYTHING you want it to be. I know I tend to talk more about relationships here, but she’s actually marketed herself on being someone to help you with attracting your financial and career desires.

    I’ll tell you what though, it’s freaking scary!!! I’m going to go through this process and come out thinking differently than I ever have in my 32 years. I’m going to unlock whatever is lurking in my subconscious that keeps bringing me almost the exact opposite of what I desire. Oh, ick, do I really want to unlock that?!?! Oh, did I forget to mention that whatever is in there doesn’t have to be fixed, apparently that crap is all lies in there. Huh, now you tell me! Seriously though, Judy says I get to just turn my back on it and honestly move on. I know, I don’t believe it either. I mean, how can you have stuff hidden away and not have to actually deal with it when you finally have the dreaded run-in? But, heck, why not try something new. Who was it that said ‘If you do what you’ve always done, you will get what you’ve always gotten’? I know I heard DiNozzo say it on NCIS, but whilst very cute, I doubt he came up with it 😉

    So, lucky for you, I love to impart my newfound knowledge on any person (or thing) that will sit still long enough to listen or has the misfortune to catch me a little buzzed. Boy do I like to talk about this stuff with a buzz 🙂 I am going to hopefully keep this updated with my journey…no nothing personal, just tips. But, sometimes it’s daunting to put it all in a literary fashion. So, feel free to ask anything you want. If you have the guts to ask, I will have the guts to answer (especially with the aforementioned buzz) 😛

So, here’s to changing and getting what I want. How excitingly scary…